Coaching has become popular in enabling people to achieve success, but is it suitable for Chassidim? * Rabbi Mordechai Rottenstein, consultant and therapist, Rabbi Zalman Notik, mashpia, and Rebbetzin Rochel Kenig, mashpia and coach, respond to questions on this topic.
COACHING – TOOL OR GOAL?
Personal trainers or coaches have been appearing all over the place. We wanted to hear what mashpiim think about this. We will preface this by saying that the mashpiim we spoke with emphasized that their knowledge of the subject is based on reports from people who tried it, and other sources, but not from firsthand knowledge.
R’ Notik considers personal coaching as a tool that can be used both in a positive and a negative way:
The question, as it is with everything, is whether coaching is being used as a helpful tool in avodas Hashem. It must be a tool used to be more effective in carrying out the Rebbe’s instructions and not something that turns people away from what he said.
R’ Rottenstein sees coaching as potentially advantageous with some potential big downsides as well:
The coaches usually promise lots of future success. A person has goals, things he wants to accomplish, but he doesn’t always manage to do them. Personal trainers help him do them. The good part about personal training is that they give a person goals and provide him with the tools to achieve them. The disadvantage is that the motivation to do so is that I am going to succeed.
Most people use a coach in order to become successful, and the coach reinforces this idea. As Chassidim, this is problematic. A Chassid wants Hashem to make him successful, and does not emphasize the self.
Trust in Hashem is positive; trust in self originates in klipa! The Rebbe explains that when a Jew has trust in Hashem, then “Hashem your G-d will bless you in everything that you do” - everything includes even the mistakes that you make which contain great blessings, because the doing is only a tool, a cover.
In a workshop for the staff of a certain yeshiva, they spoke about a gifted bachur who lacked self-confidence. I asked them, “If I were to tell you to send him to a psychologist for two months and he will come back with plenty of self-confidence, would you send him? Would that be a success?”
They considered it and concluded yes. I asked, “But what about the ‘my strength and the power of my hand’ that you provided him with?” They said it was indeed a problem but there was no choice. I explained to them that there was no point in having the bachur go from feeling inadequate to feeling arrogant, for arrogance compensates for feeling inferior and feeling inferior is frustrated pride.
“Why shouldn’t we teach him to trust in Hashem to help him?” I asked. The maggid shiur said, “Do you think a bachur will understand that and it will help him?” I said, “When the teacher understands it, the student will internalize it too.”
Rebbetzin Rochel Kenig, mashpia and coach, agrees that it all depends on the coach:
Obviously, when the coach is a Chassid, it’s a Chassidish hashpaa, and when he or she is not, you shouldn’t be coached by him/her!
Becoming aware of one’s weaknesses can lead in two directions. Either the person is focused on himself and busy with his problems, i.e., ego. Or he is aware of his strengths and weaknesses – is in touch with himself and knows that he is not the source of his strengths, but it is all from Hashem. This leads to gratitude. At the same time, he sees his faults and works to correct them. The person who is focused on himself knows his weaknesses and does not accept them. The one who is in touch with himself accepts his weaknesses and figures out how to fix them.
A coach must be Chassidish and help to connect the mentee’s entire sense of self to Hashem. The difference between these two approaches to coaching is huge.
COACH VS. MASHPIA
Does having a personal coach fulfill the Rebbe’s request to have a mashpia?
R’ Notik: As a student of Tomchei T’mimim, I know that a person should not have his own desires. There are the Rebbe’s desires to which we submit with joy. If coaches help someone to better carry out what the Rebbe said, it’s good. But if it means replacing the mashpia and helping the person adapt to the big, “enlightened” world, then it is completely unacceptable.
R’ Rottenstein: A Chassidishe mashpia will not encourage self-aggrandizement or pride in order to succeed. Structure and self-discipline are good, but let’s get them from the yeshiva and the mashpia and not from a personal trainer.
A Chassid needs to set himself goals: to get up in the morning, to go to the mikva, to learn Chassidus before davening. These are the types of things for which it is good to train! In most cases though, turning to a coach comes from the desire to feel better about yourself. Who said it has to be easy?
One time I was saying goodbye to R’ Mendel Futerfas and he said, “Mordechai, bracha v’hatzlacha.”
I said, “Amen.”
He said, “Why did you say amen?”
I said, “Because you blessed me.”
He looked at me and asked, “Do you understand what I blessed you with?”
I said, “I guess not.”
He said, “When you use your brains and talents and are successful, although you are successful, there are others who are more successful than you. Success is an American ideal, where success is measured by a diploma. That is why I did not say ‘hatzlacha,’ but ‘bracha v’hatzlacha.’ When you make all possible mistakes and nevertheless see blessing in what you did, that is real bracha. And if you are successful, why do you take the credit? You fool, it’s not you, it’s Hashem! And if it’s hard for you, why are you screaming? It’s not you, it’s Hashem!”
R’ Mendel concluded, “Bracha v’hatzlacha.”
Again, I said, “Amen.”
R’ Mendel said, “Now you answer amen! Work on this and the ‘amen’ will be more genuine.”
But the Rebbe encourages us to make use of our talents for avodas Hashem?
Rebbetzin Kenig: We see in coaching a way to reveal one’s abilities. The Rebbe Rayatz said that a Jew is a lamplighter and his job is to light up his surroundings. However, when his lantern is extinguished, how will he be a source of light? This is why a person must know his strengths and then he can give off light to others.
There is an amazing letter from the Rebbe dated 25 Elul 5718 in which he asks that everyone know their abilities. Our job is to reveal the treasure within us and bring it to its realization.
Most people are not aware of their strengths and value. There is lots of self-criticism and lack of self-worth and it’s a pity that their strengths are not utilized. It is like someone who gets a gift and puts it in the closet without seeing what’s inside. Hashem gave us strengths to reveal, and with the proper gratitude and through coaching we enrich the world with our gifts.
R’ Rottenstein emphasizes: The talents are not ours. Hashem gifted them to us. When a person recognizes this, there is no arrogance (I am a success) and no feeling of inferiority (I am worthless), as the Mitteler Rebbe explains in a maamer that true humility is the lack of feeling self. Generally, in personal coaching, the person is given yeshus (a sense of self-importance), the opposite of what Chassidus demands. I do not know any coaches who approach things from bittul; I only know one such framework and that is Tomchei T’mimim.
Today, with the proliferation of Lubavitcher coaches, there are probably some exceptions, and Rebbetzin Kenig seems to be one of them, because as she sums it up:
There is no, “I am going to succeed,” but “I thank Hashem and use my abilities in order to bring them out in the world because it is not about me; it’s all about Hashem.” One of the first assignments that I give is to be aware of one’s abilities and then after “Modeh Ani” and before “HaMapil” to say: “Thank you Hashem for giving me …” This is a basic exercise that enables a person to be in touch with himself from a place of humility and not with the sense of “I created myself.”
If a person runs into a difficulty, would you recommend a coach?
R’ Notik: It depends on the difficulty and who is the coach. If a person has guidance from the Rebbe that he is not succeeding in implementing in his daily life, and the coach develops a new day plan for him and helps him reach a higher level of fulfilling the instruction - this is positive and good. But if the coach is not coming from a place of Chassidus and hiskashrus, i.e., how to more effectively carry out the Rebbe’s instructions, then this is a form of idolatry and will end up coming at the expense of following the instructions of the Rebbe.
Of course, for a Chassid whose mashpia refers him to a coach to help him progress in carrying out the Rebbe’s instructions, this is good.
Rebbetzin Kenig addresses the question of confronting challenges, to know that “no evil descends from Above,” and to see how it is possible to grow from a place of weakness:
A girl in shidduchim contacted me about a complicated situation. I asked that she find ten proofs that the situation was the best thing for her.
I always relate strongly to the D’var Malchus of Shmos 5751 where it quotes the Midrash that the names of the tribes are mentioned when they descend to Egypt because they allude to the future Geula as they enter exile. The Rebbe explains that the descent is part of the ascent. This awareness helps keep the process on a totally Chassidic plane.
When a person is having difficulties, one of the amazing tools we have in coaching is to have the person bring up the root cause in their consciousness, to properly identify the core of the problem. At the beginning, you do so after an anger episode when that is the problematic issue. Then you develop the ability to do it during an episode, and eventually to realize it before the anger even begins. When one identifies what is generating all of the problems, he learns to choose how to react ahead of time.
I coached a young girl. After just a week she felt a change. Nobody is living in delusion that the problem disappeared but the process began, and she could see progress and this made it easier for her.
With coaching, you can do incredible work on your middos and there are results!
Can personal coaching be helpful for, or a part of, preparing for shlichus?
R’ Notik: I think that 80 percent of those who went on shlichus, if they would have consulted with a coach, would not have gone, because the coach would have said, “You are talented and you are not suited to run after kids on the street and convince them to say a bracha on a candy. You are a chevraman with talents for organization and big things and you should live in a big city, not a quiet place with just a minyan of Jews; you should be a rav in a big city, etc.”
It is not necessarily the case that one’s personal G-dly mission comports with actualizing innate abilities, and sometimes a person’s place of shlichus is the place Hashem designated for him, as in the story with R’ Yosef whom the Alter Rebbe turned into a wagon driver for the sake of one Jew! If he would have asked a coach, he would not have become a wagon driver …
Rebbetzin Kenig thinks otherwise: If shluchim would consult with a coach, it would make things a lot easier for them. A woman with a husband and children, a home, shlichus and a career, and who is running in every direction, comes to me shattered.
The coach takes all the elements of life and classifies them according to importance, capacities, and what and how much to invest in each area. This is a healing process for an entire family, in body and in soul!
There is a woman who works and neglects her marriage, or a dynamic shliach who is not partnering with his wife. After Pesach, having served hundreds of people, she feels like a maid. True, he was preoccupied with the shlichus, but his wife worked so hard and he just didn’t see her. But if the couple comes first, then the children, and all together they work on shlichus, then it looks altogether different.
First build your house and then the outside. I say this to both men and women. Coaching creates order.
The example of R’ Yosef the wagon driver is excellent. He conducted himself in a structured manner, he made the attempt, included his wife, who ended up being a partner to his shlichus and the one who gave him the push. If only we were all like that!
ADVISORS IN GEULA
Are the numerous “advisers” today a stage in the Geula process?
R’ Notik: The yoetz (advisor) is the mashpia and it is possible that the coach is a Lubavitcher who helps carry out the Rebbe’s instructions, which at this moment feel like they are beyond your abilities. He helps adjust them to your character, showing you how to move forward in fulfilling them in your personal life. For example, to also learn Rambam and Chitas and devote time to the family and hafatza and to fit that all into your daily schedule, it is positive and redemptive. But if the coaching is a goal to succeed and it is about self-actualization, that is not for us. We were taught to put our selves aside and not to worship idols and actualize ourselves!
R’ Rottenstein: The Rebbe is the yoetz. A Chassidishe mashpia who is connected to the Rebbe provides the tools so that the assignments and the deepest ideas are integrated.
Rebbetzin Kenig sees a direct connection between the advisers mentioned in the prophecies of Geula and coaching: If it is not Chassidishe coaching, it’s not okay. Where I work, it is sometimes a matter of saving lives. The yoetz the Rebbe talks about is exactly how Chassidic coaching operates. I meet Chassidishe couples who are only missing that one little drop of guidance – not always is it a protracted process. We need to see the big picture and go out to the Geula.