From the Outside In

How Clothing can Change a Person’s Character

By Rabbi Yisroel Noach Lipsker

QUESTION >

I have a son in mesivta age and I began to notice that he is very into his clothing. I know that seder vnikayon is very important but I feel this may be a little Ta’avas Halevushim. How do you think I should go about this?

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Answer >

I’m very happy this question is being raised; it is of utmost importance, yet unlike other similar There Yiras Shamayim challenges which are more obvious, this one being more subtle, many times “slips the radar” of parents and by the time it’s caught, it’s much harder to deal with.

There is a chassidishe vort on the pasuk “Omar oyev, erdof asig, achalek shalal” — the Yetzer Hara, the ultimate enemy of a Jew, says, “how can I chase this Yid and grasp him in my claws?

His method? — “אחלק שלל - I will separate him from Hashem by causing him to change his שלל.

His שם, his name; his לשון, his style of speech; and his לבוש, his manner of dress, are how the Yetzer can take grasp over a Jew.

These are three things that are don’t necessarily negate halacha in an outstanding way, but they are the entrance way for more of the Yetzer Hara’s shtick, “Hayom omer lo kach etc,” until it can reach the worst of the worst

Particularly levushim, namely the desire to “look good,” can easily lead to deeds blatantly against halacha. Obviously, this is the case with girls and las of tznius, but also bochurim have some guidelines of tznius and can be tempted by this ta’ava to “fix up” their beard, Rachmana Litzlan, etc.

Many times we hear from teenagers that their parents/yeshiva’s involvement in how they get dressed is picking on their “chitzoniyus,” while what matters most is what’s on the inside — their learning and especially their middos tovos.

It’s true.

Clothing is truly chitzoniyus, and especially by us, Chabad chassidim, we don’t judge a person by his dress. Sometimes teenagers express a sentiment of “why can’t you accept as who I am, just as you do with someone on mivtzoyim?”

We certainly do. But while we accept every Jew, we are trying to bring him closer to Hashem. Our children too need to be challenged to grow and they are many steps ahead of a Yid who is not yet shomer Torah umitzvos.

Grabbed by his Garb

But a word about the chitzoniyus of dress:

There is a fascinating explanation of the story of Eshes Potiphar and Yosef Hatzadik.

Chazal say that Yosef “would comb his hair and beautify himself.” Meaning that for his level, he was overly involved in his levushim. While none of it affected his pnimyus — Yosef remained faithful to his values even in Mitrzayim, ervas ha’aretz — still, his involvement in this matter created a dangerous confrontation with the k’lipa, in which if not for his father’s image appearing before him he would fail the test.

When Potiphar’s wife grabs on to Yosef and tries to seduce him, it says that “she caught him by his garb” - his levush. When he was saved, it was by leaving his garb in her hands.

From here we see that his involvement in levushim, merely a chitzoniyusdike aspect, got him in “trouble,” and only when he let go of it was he saved, not without considerable heartache…

Why is this particular type chitzoniyus so powerful?

So here I want to give some practical advice to parents on the matter.

Preventive Measures

First, important preventive measures and I’ll say it as it is. If parents, especially mothers, are overly particular about their children’s fashion, (and most definitely when this continues past 7 or 8 years old, when they’re at an age when they begin to develop an independent mind) then it makes much harder to uproot this middah when they are just a few years older —13, 14 years of age.

The only difference will be who will decide what’s cute and adorable and fancy…

It’s especially disturbing when one article of clothing meant to be a reminder of Yiras Shamayim — the yarmulka, becomes another fashion accessory and is used for instilling values, (even if innocently), contrary to what a yarmulka represents!

Ta’avas Halevushim is Real

But let’s get back to the actual situation at hand. What to do if a child is exploring fashion in an unhealthy manner?

My first advice to parents is to realize that Ta’avas Halevushim is real. It’s not a tantrum of a three-year-old. The desire to look good affects deep places in a teenager’s soul and means a lot to him. Not respecting that need and just dismissing it as nonsense will result in a bochur who experiences frustration on a daily basis, being blocked from one very important form of self-expression! Nothing good can result from that.

We must certainly set borders and know what is acceptable and what isn’t, but we need to set those boundaries with sensitivity and wisdom

That being said, this real problem has a real solution. The real solution is not dismissing it as shtick and expressing wonder on why someone would even be into such narishkeite.

That approach just makes it harder to deal with. When a bochur hears that, he comes to a conclusion that somehow chassidishkeit is not for him. “If being a chassid means that I have to shun such a desire, then I’m not a chassid and will never be. I’m just different than my father/melamed/mashpia of chassidishe friend.”

Three is nothing that “comes naturally” to a chassid…

This is a total misrepresentation of what Chassidus and Yiddishkeit are. It was said about the Rebbe Rashab by a famous maskil that he is “Yodea es haolam umiskaven limrod bo” — he knows the world well and deliberately intends to rebel against it; contrasting him to of Amalek, who knew Hashem and nonetheless was prepared to fight Him…

A chassid may definitely be someone who likes to look good, but he deliberately chooses not to focus on his dress.

The reason why we choose not to be obsessed with our outward appearance is not a natural tendency of being simple, or worse, a shloch. It is a deliberate decision against it, and presents somewhat of a challenge where the chassid acknowledges his desire for it, but chooses to prioritize Yiras Shamayim and Elokus over it.

But must Elokus be a contradiction to dressing fashionably and looking good?

The answer is yes. Being immersed in Elokus means worshiping Hashem alone. An object of worship becomes an object of beautification and adornment. What I worship is what I want to look beautiful, what I beautify is what I worship.

If my body becomes an object of beautification, that means I am worshiping it, and if I’m worshiping it, I’m practicing a subtle form of avoda zara chas v’shalom.

This is true with Ta’avas Ha’achila (indulgence in food) and truthfully, it applies to any other ta’ava as well, but food comes and goes and has less a detrimental effect on a person, whereas his levushim really “classify” him and define him; — to himself and to others, as someone who not for a moment forgot about Hashem, but as someone who deliberately went shopping and put in thought on how to beautify his “getchke” Rachmana litzlan.

Not always is it smart that the parents address their son directly, it really dpends on when it was detected. It may be smarter to raise the topic and farbreng about it (without making direct mention of the clothing aspect — it’s a fundamental topic is Jewish life and there are many more areas where this plays out). Turning to the boys mashpia if they enjoy a good connection,

But again, we must respect the child’s emotions on the matter, and not belittle him, rather educate him and bring him to realize what this obsession really means and shows.

May we always be dressed with our levushim of machsahava, dibbur and maaseh, so that when the Rebbe Melech Hamoshiach is nisgaleh we shouldn’t be caught “with our pants down” ■